By Marvin H. Berenson, M.D. September 20, 2011

We want to believe in the permanency of love. Falling in love seems so overwhelming and delightful and even frightening that it seems to mean a once-in-a-life experience.  Such a feeling must rise above minor differences, even major differences. What does it matter that one is 50 and the other 20 or one is heavy and the other thin, or one is bald and the other endowed with flowing hair. Everything appears alive with the belief in the miracle, the triumph of love.

And then the world comes crashing down. A difference comes out of nowhere. She doesn’t want to go see the Dodgers or he is not interested in going to a book signing. She has a special girl’s night out on a night he wanted to stay home and make love or watch a movie or just be together. Other problems surface. They seem little, but are they? She wants him to read a certain book or he wants her to check out a political article. She is a Democrat and he is Republican.  How comes they didn’t know that before? Is it possible it never came up or was it merely ignored? After all how would such a minor element in their overwhelming great love matter. And at first it didn’t matter.

Then an avalanche of differences arises. One or both have become angry over a misstep or minor disagreement and suddenly “you don’t understand me” rears its ugly head.  Some misunderstandings are triggered innocently.  A friend or relative inadvertently says something about a past event or a former relationship and the ears open for more. But more is not forthcoming or is dragged out and eyes open wider and that perfect couple is slightly less perfect. “Tell me more,” a refrain, known to lead to trouble, issues forth and the “more” pours kerosene on the kindling fire.  Quickly, fire extinguishers are wielded but to no avail because the cage door has been opened and the little creature inside is now loose and starts to grow in front of your eyes.

So what do we mean my fragility in love? The first moment in love when all seems so rosy and pristine and innocent that is meant to last forever, slowly crumbles and can become an avalanche. Love has turned into its opposite and the fragility has been realized and the relationship cracks open.

Is this commonplace? Is this the expectation that follows love that seemed so powerful and solid? Alas, the answer is “yes.” Love’s capacity to color a world in the brightest and loudest colors has become an elusive and even ephemeral interaction.

Are we thus doomed to never have permanently that feeling of “falling in love?” The answer in this case is “no.” By understanding that an all-encompassing love is a partial illusion that will generally diminish after a period of time we can forestall its impact and consequences. But an even greater love can take its place.

All humans are capable of immense powerful sexual connections that for a brief period have provided a couple with a special magic that sets them apart.  But such states of mind are generally short lived. A couple therefore needs to be aware of the ephemeral nature of intense love and consciously replace this heightened love with the security of “real” love born of understanding and communication. Perfectionism and idealization are no longer pertinent. 

Communication and its connection to intimacy, mutual understanding, passionate sex, sharing core interests and nurturing of their separate lives are sanctioned and supported.  That is what can occur and the fragility that had cast its shadow on couples will have diminished and even disappeared. Instead a couple has created a more lasting, intimate and loving bond that includes mutual respect for separate growth and the nurturing of mutual independence.

To discover new and effective ways to have a wonderful, romantic love life and to become a great lover, my book “Love and Sex” offers frank and wide-reaching information. You will find a truly in-depth look at what actually happens during sex and how to overcome sexual difficulties. By reading this book you can change your love life.

Visit http://www.DrMarvinBerenson.com to review “Love and Sex” and sign-up to receive Dr. Berenson’s highly informative biweekly newsletter and two FREE gifts.

Marvin H. Berenson, M.D. is Clinical Professor Emeritus of Psychiatry, USC Keck School of Medicine, psychiatrist, lecturer, author and artist.

By Marvin H. Berenson, M.D. September 7, 2011

Mental Imagery provides a powerful tool to expand your creativity. The exercises below provide examples of how your imagination can bring forth ideas that will foster your creativity.

Try one or more of the exercises and even try them all. Use them frequently, repeat some, modify others, use them to give rise to your own personal exercises. As you go over them try to imagine what each will mean to you. Some speak to the unconscious, others to the development of inner and outer controls. Some focus on changing painting styles and other how to expand your creativity. All are meant to stimulate and act as one of the many vehicles you will use to expand your creativity.

MENTAL IMAGERY EXERCISES

Creating Paintings

1. A large airborne balloon flies by and you catch the dangling rope and are quickly carried aloft. From your carrying case you withdraw a long paint brush and a tube of vivid red paint and with quick unhesitating strokes you paint a striking picture across the face of the surrounding clouds.  All over the world the cloud is seen and your art is recognized for its striking original style. You are seen as a visionary who rides the winds of the creative spirit.

2. You now look at a blank canvas and see a seascape appear. Gentle waves rolling onto the shore. As you watch, the scene changes and the waves become higher and more powerful. You are watching a series of paintings unfold before you. You clearly visualize each picture as a painting. In time you visualize many different paintings as you stop and restart the sequence at will. You return to the first image and change it to a picture of tumultuous waves casting foam on the beach and waves that start from afar. You now believe that you can convert seascapes into dramatic paintings of any kind you wish. You feel exhilarated with your newfound power.

3. Now start to produce a series of beautiful landscapes. Again you have the capacity to watch the land change. You see forests and mountains and raging rivers and quiet still ponds. Each picture that appeals comes into focus and you stare at it knowing you can reproduce it or similar ones on a real canvas. You know that there is no limit to your imagination.

4. You stand before a canvas and paint a picture of any type. As you watch, the colors change. Mountains that were dark, become red, or orange, or green. Different colors merge together. You recognize that you have control over the landscape and can freely explore how colors change the painting.

5. Imagine a certain specific picture on a blank canvas. First, a human form standing quietly looking back at you. As you watch, the human form changes shape. It becomes elongated. The arms stretch out and make strange shapes. The legs curl up and the head twists into bizarre forms, from the grotesque to cartoon-like figures. You recognize how your imagination has given rise to unusual and totally unique pictures through shape-changing.

Your belief in your imagination gives power for your creative endeavors. Whether you follow the artist’s path and paint or sculpt or draw or go along a completely different path of creativity your imagination is your ally and feeds your inspiration and sense of purpose. Believe in your power that derives from your imagination. It will serve you well.

The mental imagery exercises in this article came from my book “Awakening Your Creativity.” You can rapidly and effectively expand your creative life by following the methods and exercises described in my creativity book where you will find the primary tools to change your life in ways that will excite and delight you. You can become creative.

Visit http://www.DrMarvinBerenson.com to review “Awakening Your Creativity” and sign-up to receive Dr. Berenson’s highly informative biweekly newsletter and two FREE gifts.

Marvin H. Berenson, M.D. is Clinical Professor Emeritus of Psychiatry, USC Keck School of Medicine, psychiatrist, lecturer, author and artist.

By Marvin H. Berenson, M.D. August 13, 2011

 “Ann,” Dana said excitedly. “I just met the most wonderful man. He’s everything I dreamed of. I can’t believe my luck.”

“That’s wonderful,” Ann replied.  “How did you meet him?”

“It was like a miracle. I was in Ralph’s at the check-out and dropped a sweet potato. It rolled under my cart and before I could bend down to get it this young guy got it for me.  So naturally we began to talk and when we left the market he suggested we go for coffee. We did and before I knew it we were going to dinner and we just hit it off. I really think this is it. And we’ve seen each other twice more in just two days.”

“Dana,” Ann gently said, “I can understand how you feel and I hope he really is the one. You’ve done this before. How can you be so certain?”

“I just know it and he’s great in bed, too. We made wonderful love every night.”
“ We talk about everything. It’s like we’re old friends.”

“What does he do?”
Dana frowned for the first time. “I think he’s in some kind of sales, but it kind of never came up. Anyway, he’s very cool and smart and laughs a lot and makes me laugh.”

“Tell me more about him.”
“Like what?”
 
“Are you compatible in your core beliefs, such as religion, politics, art, sports, theater, movies, travel, hiking, nature and family closeness which are important to you?  Do you know what really interests him?”

“Ann, none of those things matter. I’m certain we’re very compatible. I can just tell. He told me how pretty I was. He loves nature and likes to go camping and biking,” Dana added.

“Dana, I hate to bring this up but you’ve told me the same story at least four or five other times and each time the relationships ended and usually because the guy booted you out of his life. You fall so strongly before you really know him. Once you learn that you’re incompatible you’re already very hurt. Sometimes it was religion or politics or money. Other times relationships to his family and social differences.

“You always feel it makes no difference but you end up having arguments. He tends to see you less and less. You feel neglected and when it ends you’re devastated.  But in each relationship the clues were evident that you were incompatible. The sex that had held you together wasn’t enough.”

Dana grimaced and shook her head in acknowledgement.  “You’re right, Ann. How can I know if what I feel can be trusted?”

“I guess you might say that it’s a simple matter of asking some simple questions the very next time you meet.  The discussion can be fun and opens the door to real intimacy. He should not hesitate to discuss any subject if he feels strongly about you.

“If he’s considering that you and he are beginning a long term relationship then having this preliminary discussion would seem beneficial and desirable. You would listen very closely to what he says and how he responds to you. There should be an open and free-wheeling discussion about any subject you desire.

“You’re interested in his attitude and the way he responds and what he avoids. Does he fend you off or cut certain discussions off or just tells you he doesn’t want to get into certain subjects. You should be able to ask him why and get a reasonable response.”

“That’s a big order,” Dana said.

 “Dana, what I’m proposing is nothing more or less than what people want to know about each other if they anticipate a long term and loving relationship that has the potential of going all the way. It is the essence of developing true intimacy.”

Within this dialogue are the essential elements that can help a couple determine if a relationship is sound, honest, open and neither partner is hiding essential facts and feelings.   Individuals not willing to focus on these areas that determine compatibility are apt to fail the test of trust that needs to exist for couples in love. 

Reaching the highest levels of love, intimacy, communication and sharing come from the building of understanding and trust. For in-depth suggestions, advice and methods to improve your relationship read “A Guide to Healthy Relationships.” 

Visit http://www.DrMarvinBerenson.com to review “A Guide to Healthy Relationships” and sign-up to receive Dr. Berenson’s highly informative biweekly newsletter and two FREE gifts. 

Marvin H. Berenson, M.D. is Clinical Professor Emeritus of Psychiatry, USC Keck School of Medicine, psychiatrist, lecturer, author and artist.
                              

By Marvin H. Berenson, M.D. August 13, 2011

“I feel so awful since Jim left me that I just want to die,” Janice cried.
“You’ve got to get over it,” Harriet, her best friend admonished.
“I can’t. I’m so depressed that all I think about is killing myself.  Don’t worry I won’t do that,” she uttered, seeing her friend’s concern.
“I feel like a fool, and that no one will ever like me again. I know that it sounds, like I’m making myself suffer and want to punish myself, but that’s what I feel. I blame myself for causing him to leave me, although he was as much to blame as me.”

“Janice, you’re making yourself sick. I know that you can feel miserable when you think your world has come to an end. But it hasn’t.  Now listen and I’ll tell you what you need to do starting right now.”
“All right,” Janice agreed, “Tell me what to do.”

“These ideas will really help you, so listen closely. This is a five-step cure for your blues,” Harriet said, with a slight smile.

“Step one: You need to change how you handle your anger. You have to stop hating yourself, blaming yourself, and thinking you’re a terrible person.  You need to focus on the real relationship, what you both did wrong, how you were deceived and what prevented you from trying to resolve your problem. You need to use your anger constructively.

“Step two: You are to set up a program that takes you outside your house that you can share with friends. Take a walk. Go to a movie. Go to the library. Go shopping. Buy something.

“Step three: Arrange to spend talking time with a friend. I volunteer for the job,” Harriet said warmly. “Talk over the past with the idea of learning from it and not to make yourself into a victim or to overemphasize the loss.

“Step Four:  If you find that you are still considerably depressed then join a therapy  group of women who are also struggling to overcome a similar loss.

“Step Five: Start dating. Your exact timing is less important than making that decision now and then waiting until you feel comfortable. But if you do the other four steps then dating should happen quickly.

“That is all you need to do. Janice, your worst enemy is remaining a victim of the loss and not actively taking these steps to overcome the reaction.  You can be free of your depression very quickly if you enter this period of change with hope and enthusiasm and know that you will soon be living a very different life.”

A deep sense of loss, self-blame and anger at the rejecting person are commonplace when romances and deep relationships end.  In general, such endings in retrospect are often healthy by preventing the continuation of a relationship that is tottering on the brink of being dysfunctional. By evaluating why the relationship ended you will gain understanding that improves the potential of future romances enduring.

Reaching the highest levels of love, intimacy, communication and sharing come from the building of understanding and trust. For in-depth suggestions, advice and methods to improve your relationship read “A Guide to Healthy Relationships.” 

Visit http://www.DrMarvinBerenson.com to review “A Guide to Healthy Relationships” and sign-up to receive Dr. Berenson’s highly informative biweekly newsletter and two FREE gifts. 

Marvin H. Berenson, M.D. is Clinical Professor Emeritus of Psychiatry, USC Keck School of Medicine, psychiatrist, lecturer, author and artist.
 

By Marvin H. Berenson, M.D. August 13, 2011

“You don’t love me anymore,” Suzy wailed inconsolably.
“Of course I love you,” Bart said, somewhat irritated.
“No you don’t. You never tell me how pretty I am anymore and you never even tell me that I look nice. You didn’t even notice I wore a new blouse yesterday. And I bought it for you.” Suzy continued to cry.
“What’s the matter with you,” Bart, said with increasing exasperation. “You already know I love you. Do I have to tell you everyday?”
Suzy, about to say something, sputtered to a stop. He doesn’t really love me, she thought. He always seems preoccupied with other things. He doesn’t even come to hug me or hold my hand like he used too.  What has happened to us?

Such words are all too common among couples of all ages.  The romance and courtship seemed to have ended and doubts begin to appear. Other concerns about jobs, money, politics, friends, family matters rather than with each other occupy their time together. Boredom, decreasing communication, less lovemaking, and a growing separateness have become commonplace.

Several scenarios are possible. One, and the most ominous, is that the couple is falling out of love, or the relationship has become tenuous as the couple has drifted apart. Another possible scenario is the relationship has changed as the partners settled into a less romantic interaction and what Suzy desire for continuing romance was no longer on the table.

So how to you know if your lover loves you? You need to carefully examine how the relationship has unfolded. Where has the romance gone?  Has one or both of you become negligent and slowly “forgot” to say “I love you.” Have you stopped doing the romantic things that make someone feel loved?  Or has your lover stopped loving you?”

Here is the test:

1. Once you recognize that the changes noted above have occurred has either of you suggested sitting down and examining what has changed your relationship. In other words, are you open to communication or does one of you prefer to ignore the problem? Not a good sign if this is true.

2. Do you find that attempts to reach out or touch your partner are thwarted or not reciprocated or worse, does your lover move away when you reach out?

3. Do you find that you are reluctant to suggest romantic interludes, such as a night out or a special romantic dinner or a romantic walk or a romantic anything?

4. Are your conversations becoming narrow, limited in scope? In other words has boredom set in and you find you’re not listening to each other.

5. Does the limitation in connecting seem one-sided?  Is the lack of interest denied and makes you feel, as Suzy felt in our little story, that she was neglected and ignored.

What to do:

1. The most essential thing is simple. Any reluctance or anger needs to be dealt with first. Unless that can be overcome real communication is difficult. Under such circumstances, a brief period of couple therapy might be helpful to get you back on track.

2. Above all, don’t ignore it.  That could lead to increasing doubts and eventually a dysfunctional relationship might result. If you remain together you may find you are adapting to an impoverished relationship.

3. Don’t accept that. If you catch these changes early, couples can almost always overcome their difficulties and resume their romance. Romance should be lifelong. And communication is the connecting artery and life blood to make it so.

By facing relationship problems early and maintaining a positive attitude to improve your relationship most couples can overcome such difficulties and help set the stage for increased intimacy and happiness.

To reach the highest levels of love, intimacy, communication and sharing that come from the building of understanding and trust and to also discover new and effective ways to have a wonderful, romantic love life reading “Love and Sex” and “A Guide to Healthy Relationships” offers in-depth suggestions, advice and methods to help you.

Visit http://www.DrMarvinBerenson.com to review “Love and Sex” and “A Guide to Healthy Relationships” and sign-up to receive Dr. Berenson’s highly informative biweekly newsletter and two FREE gifts.

Marvin H. Berenson, M.D. is Clinical Professor Emeritus of Psychiatry, USC Keck School of Medicine, psychiatrist, lecturer, author and artist.
 

By Marvin H. Berenson, M.D. August 9, 2011
 
Self-love can be positive or negative depending on its effect on individuals. It can indicate a genuine feeling of inner power and personal strength and be a realistic appraisal of one’s capacity.

But it could mean grandiosity and cover a sense of power that hides unknown feelings of inferiority. It could be a defense against succumbing to a self-demeaning attitude.

On the positive side self-love is a necessary component of the kind of all-encompassing love that allows a person to enjoy creativity, an inner prowess in artistic pursuits, athletic skills, acting, writing and even the ability to make love and be a good and giving lover.

The mythology of Narcissus that has framed many stories for over 2000 years describes a destructive form of self-love. Narcissus on viewing his reflection in a pool of water is so smitten that he can’t leave his image and dies. Excessive self-love can be fatal to real self-esteem.

Excessive self-love is a form of grandiosity or paranoia that may set a person on a path of omnipotence that can lead to a life influenced by a delusional system that makes     someone believe they are above others, are more powerful and omniscient than others. Such paranoia bodes no opposition, expects people to obey and even surrender to them.  Political leaders who suffer this personality trait can become dictators and attempt to destroy opponents who stand in their way.

On the other hand self-love can be the inner ingredient that guides a person to creativity and discovery. Someone who can follow clues, never pauses as he pursues what he believes is truth. Great discoveries are made by such people.  Many number among our greatest leaders, artists, actors, writers and athletes.

Can you cultivate self-love that becomes a healthy and meaningful part of you? Such a feeling would offer inner peace, well-being, prevent or minimize hesitation in pursuits or tasks. Loving yourself creates a more expansive self. You become more giving, a person who feels bountiful and loving. People sense a warmth, openness, and ease of sharing. There is no jealousy, or envy or feeling inferior to others.  Such people tend not to compare themselves to others.  They are givers rather than takers.

Accomplishing positive self-love depends on overcoming inner negativity, self-doubt, inferiority, and not holding on to a negative past. There is a willingness to pursue education and programs to facilitate inner change. Change is not difficult if the motivation is high.  Many approaches for psychological change are available to help initiate such change.

Those approaches include meditation, use of mental imagery exercises, education, learning new skills and knowledge, pursing goals and realizing accomplishments that are satisfying. And always know you can accomplish what you seek.  You can change your life and develop that healthy and essential element in yourself that says, “I love myself.”

Self-love can be positive or negative. Self-appraisal is necessary to assess your feelings accurately. With persistence you can overcome the negative attitudes that may be contributing to using self-love as a defense against inferiority. With focus, concentration and a positive attitude you can develop the kind of self-love that will change and expand your life.

“Inspiring Tales of Psychotherapy” describes the intense struggles and resolutions of eight patients to inspire and guide you in your own personal development. You will find solutions to your own emotional conflicts as you read how these courageous people changed their lives. 

Visit http://www.DrMarvinBerenson.com to review “Inspiring Tales of Psychotherapy” and sign-up to receive Dr. Berenson’s highly informative biweekly newsletter and two FREE gifts.

Marvin H. Berenson, M.D. is Clinical Professor Emeritus of Psychiatry, USC Keck School of Medicine, psychiatrist, lecturer, author and artist.